People Skills : How to Assert yourself, listen to others, and resolve conflicts
A wall of silent resentment shuts you off from someone you love...You listen to an argument in which neither party seems to hear the other...Your mind drifts to other matters when people talk to you...People Skillsis a communication-skills handbook that can help you eliminate these and other communication problems. Author Robert Bolton describes the twelve most common communication barriers, showing how these "roadblocks" damage relationships by increasing defensiveness, aggressiveness, or dependency. He explains how to acquire the ability to listen, assert yourself, resolve conflicts, and work out problems with others. These are skills that will help you communicate calmly, even in stressful emotionally charged situations. People Skillswill show you * How to get your needs met using simple assertion techniques * How body language often speaks louder than words * How to use silence as a valuable communication tool * How to de-escalate family disputes, lovers' quarrels, and other heated arguments Both thought-provoking and practical, People Skillsis filled with workable ideas that you can use to improve your communication in meaningful ways, every day.
Contents Preface PART ONE Introduction CHAPTER ONE Skills for Bridging the Interpersonal Gap Communication: Humanity's Supreme Achievement The Ineffectiveness of Most Communication The Ache of Loneliness So Much Lost Love A Key to Success at Work A Life-or-Death Matter You Can Change You Will Change! Managing Your Resistance to Learning Five Sets of Skills Summary CHAPTER TWO Barriers to Communication Common Communication Spoilers Why Roadblocks Are High-Risk Responses Judging: the Major Roadblock Roadblock Sending Solutions Can Be a Problem! Avoiding the Other's Concerns Roadblock Number Thirteen Summary PART TWO Listening Skills CHAPTER THREE Listening Is More Than Merely Hearing The Importance of Listening Listening Defined Listening Skill Clusters Attending Skills Following Skills Summary CHAPTER FOUR Four Skills of Reflective Listening Reflective Responses Provide a Mirror to the Speaker Paraphrasing Reflecting Feelings Reflecting Meanings Summary CHAPTER FIVE Why Reflective Responses Work Style and Structure in Listening Six Peculiarities of Human Communication Skepticism Is Best Dissolved by Action Summary CHAPTER SIX Reading Body language The Importance of Body Language Nonverbals: The Language of Feelings The "Leakage" of Masked Feelings Guidelines for Reading Body Language Reflect the Feelings Back to the Sender A Clear But Confusing Language Summary CHAPTER SEVEN Improving Your Reflecting Skills Guidelines for Improved Listening Beyond Reflective Listening When to Listen Reflectively When Not to Listen Reflectively The Good News and the Bad News Summary PART THREE Assertion Skills CHAPTER EIGHT Three Approaches to Relationships Listening and Assertion: The Yin and Yang of Communication Methods for Developing Assertiveness The Need to Protect One's Personal Space Impacting The Submission-Assertion-Aggression Continuum Payoffs and Penalties of Three Ways of Relating Choose for Yourself Summary CHAPTER NINE Developing Three-Part Assertion Messages Verbal Assertion: The Third Option Three-Part Assertion Messages Effective and Ineffective Ways of Confrontation Writing Three-Part Assertion Messages A Voyage of Self-Discovery and Growth Summary CHAPTER TEN Handling the Push-Push Back Phenomenon Surprise Attack The Human Tendency to Be Defensive The Upward Spiral of Increasing Defensiveness A Six-Step Assertion Process Summary CHAPTER ELEVEN Increasing Your Assertive Options Many Varieties of Assertive Behavior "Natural" Assertions Self-Disclosure Descriptive Recognition Relationship Assertions Selective Inattention Withdrawal The Spectrum Response Options Natural and Logical Consequences Stop the Action; Accept the Feelings Say "No!," Modify the Environment The Danger of Going Overboard The Aura of Assertiveness Summary PART FOUR Conflict Management Skills CHAPTER TWELVE Conflict Prevention and Control Conflict Is Unavoidable Conflict Is Disruptive and/or Destructive The Benefits of Conflict Realistic and Nonrealistic Conflict Personal Conflict Prevention and Control Methods Group/Organizational Prevention and Control Methods The Dangers of Conflict Prevention and Control Summary CHAPTER THIRTEEN Handling the Emotional Components of Conflict Focus on the Emotions First The Conflict Resolution Method The Conflict Resolution Method in Action Four Ways to Use the Conflict Resolution Method Preparation for the Encounter Evaluating the Conflict Expected Outcomes of the Conflict Resolution Method Summary CHAPTER FOURTEEN Collaborative Problem Solving: Seeking an Elegant Solution Three Kinds of Conflict Alternatives to Collaborative Problem Solving Seeking an Elegant Solution Through Collaborative Problem Solving Six Steps of the Collaborative Problem-Solving Method What This Problem-Solving Method Communicates Collaborative Problem-Solving in Action Handling the Crucial Preliminaries What Do I Do When Collaborative Problem Solving Doesn't Work? Applications of Collaborative Problem Solving Summary CHAPTER FIFTEEN Three Essentials for Effective Communication In Communication, Skills Alone Are Insufficient Genuineness Non-possessive Love Empathy Implementation of the Core Attitudes AFTERWORD Four Steps to Improved Communication A Quantified Commitment to Use the Skills Select Appropriate Situations Undaunted by Occasional Failure Prepare Others for the Change Skill Training Notes Index